love is what dreams are made of..especially when you sleep in an empty bed.

Journal excerpt:

1/18/10

Love, the 1 thing I feel I don't know anything about and the 1 thing I crave.

I wonder always when is the right time to say "I love you" to someone, or what exactly love is suppose to feel like??

I sit, wondering about this at times.

I observe others, watching what they do, seeing how they love, but for myself it doesn't seem to come natural.

My best friend and I laugh together when I say I have relationship ADD. I just want to explore and get it "right,"whatever that means, wanting to figure a "right" relationship out, understand what works for me and what doesn't.

I've been married for 18 years and I know now I don't love him and wonder if I ever did.

I've felt so lonely living with him and though I feel I know nothing about love, I do know this isn't how it should be.

I've had an open relationship for the last 7 years of my marriage and I've only dated outside twice...1 was a long term relationship with Jomo that lasted 5 years, the other...well lets just say that was a passing phase that I was glad past!

Though we never lived together, I was never lonely with Jomo as he was always emotionally available though we would meet only twice a month for a weekend.

I think about being with Alex now, since Jomo has moved so far away and we only talk on the phone, I seriously wonder what it would be like with Alex.

Being in the military Alex's job makes him physically unavailable, always gone.

I know I would sleep alone, make decisions with no one there to talk it over with, feeling like he was a thief in the night in and out quickly because of work.

With an empty bed is the emotional connection enough? I've slept in a full bed and felt empty, and in a empty bed and felt emotionally full.

i wonder what it would be like with him?